The King of Cornwall

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Live Blogging Climategate

Have you seen the news? No, not on the BBC (the real news here!) It's worse than we thought! Is it true? Is it? It is? I must write to the Queen!

My email was returned. I had failed the profanity filter. I deleted arse for rear and sent again. It gets through. I go from CA to the Air Vent to Lucia and round and round and round. And it's Oh My God and Jesus Christ! And then it breaks on Watts. I write again.

My favourite visiting prostitute thinks it's scandalous!
(She's not the cleverest prostitute in the world... 'Does that mean we can forget about carbon footprints now?' and then '... but cheering when that John Daly died, that was terrible!'

David Attenborough should be on the TV declaring a state of emergency. Now listen up you Cru Chappies, this is not the way we do science in this country.

I can't get enough - those sad warmers defending all this, and Jesus Christ, the BBC, how pathetic are they exactly?

I can't handle RC - are the warmers getting tetchy? I can't read them. They just make me mad. If there was one sitting in the room right now I'd just go and punch him, straight on the nose, and his wife sat there next to him as well.

I hate them, it's got that bad.

Dear Phil Jones, do you know what? We're all going to cheer when you die as well, hahaha.

Dear oh dear... Just how Orwellian is the BBC? And the MSM! Is today the day the Blogosphere came of age? Jesus Christ, the Blogosphere's just gone and punched the MSM, straight in the face! And the MSM, and the BBC, haven't got a clue what to do.

I await the Queen's response... (If she's not busy in the dining room, taking an afternoon tea, watching strictly come dancing on her plasma TV?)

But what's to be done, what's to be done? What if the Queen really is too busy, cleaning her corgis, or whatever? Should i tell the BBC? Bring them up to speed. And the point to that would be? What a waste of words, waste of words... Inform Scotland Yard? The Norwich Police?

Dear BBC, could someone there let me know when you've fired Harridan? And also, please, when Paxman, Wark and Watts have been taken out and shot?

There should be some sort of new journalistic award... The Paxman Wark & Watts Award for... (I'll think of one later)

Dear BBC, you haven't got a clue what's happening have you? You're days behind already, and yet you call youselves a news organization? You're finished! And you don't even know it yet! (It's fascinating to watch. Live on the Internet.)

Wow, you seen the code? the CRU code? The crock of CRU crap the CRU crooks call code? It's the Harry Readme what's killed Global Warming, dead!

Dear BBC, it's all over! You're finished! The blogosphere, even as we speak, is punching the last sorry breath from your sorry life!

Dear Queen of England, the BBC is dead, it's brain has been found to be diseased, and it's body had, NO BALLS! What do you make of that Your Majesty? Will you call the police?

Dear Queen of England, your police i'm afraid are useless...

And isn't Harry Readme great? Hey Harry, come and have a drink. Nobody's blaming you, it's not your fault. Come and have a drink (tell us what it was like, what it was really really like?) hey Harry, we need to call that PR guy, that Max Clifford, get you on the TV... cut some book deals, who knows, are you up for it Harry? Go on, say yeah

I said I wouldn't, but I did, I tuned into the BBC, Newsnight, and there was Jeremy Paxman... 'but I went on this website and trawled through all these emails and I find it very hard to find anything interesting... let alone anything controversial!' Oh Jeremy, Jeremy, has your brain collapsed? Completely? All cognitive abilities gone? Should i call that night nurse from Casualty ?

Dear BBC, you need to call 999, it's an emergency, you need an ambulance, urgently... JEREMY PAXMAN'S BRAIN HAS COLLAPSED!

Dear Jeremy, you need to rest, you need to go away for awhile... We could get some of those nice CRU doctors with PHD's and cracking code to look after you, if you like...

And did you see Susan? Susan Watts? Wow, has that woman got a brain, looks, balls...? Let me explain, this global warming business thing, very complex, very very complex, so in order to explain it to me, to us (we plebs, we schmucks, we sore arsed dimmies) Susan needs to jolly off to the seaside to talk with a proper 'Professor' from 'Oxford' - Well, this climate thing, very complex, very very complex, and what's more, says Susan, the professor says (i had to put iplayer on pause, rewind, play, rewind, play, rewind, play, write it down, word for word) - 'We shouldn't pay too much attention to individual cool years, or even the current decade of cooler years' - Got that? I'll write it down again, just to be sure, Susan says the Professor says... 'We shouldn't pay too much attention to individual cool years, or even the current DECADE of cooler years' - Got that? And then they sit down on the beach together, Susan nodding (good puppy) and the Professor explains... 'We can think of climate a little bit like this random pile of shells' (How old does he think I am? How stupid does he think we are?) - 'We can think of the white shells as warm years' (Am I on the right channel? Has cbeebies taken over Newnight? Is this Comic Relief?) - '... and the black shells as the cold years...' (Do you understand children? yes Susan, we understand, the white shells are the warm years, and the black shells are the cold years. Is that it Susan?) - 'and in the 20th century we had a roughly equal distribution of black shells and white shells...' (Do you understand children? Yes Professor, we understand, but please Professor, we're only children, we need to sleep sweet in our dreams at night, please don't mention that bid bad bogeyman, Mister Big Bad Carbon Dioxide) - '[and what's happening is...] with increasing levels of carbon dioxide' (oh no!) 'we're just gradualy getting rid of these cold years, just gradually getting rid of the black shells... (We're doomed)

Dear Professor, you're right, this is very complex, I don't understand, even though I said I did... but didn't you just say we've had a DECADE of cooler years? And you're tossing the black shells away, yes? The cold years? Are the black shells then what the current climate is now? Is that what you're saying? That global warming's not happening, currently? Is that what you're saying? I don't understand, I'm not following... But more and more white shells gathering on the beach, in the future, See, the future's all scary warm white shells... Is that what you're saying? And what's more, these scary warm white shells are going to be even scarier and more warmer than all the previous scary warm white shells that there's ever been, in all the world, and in all of time? Is that it?

Dear BBC, I think Susan Watts may have been the victim of some trickery by a Professor from Oxford. Please investigate immediately.

Dear BBC, please ignore my previous email, I have spotted the source of my confusion, I apologize... I see now that I paid attention when I really wasn't meant to. Yes, my own fault. That you expressly told me to pay no attention to something, and that when i did, and serves me right, i became confused.

Dear BBC, for those of us unable to follow the complexity of the issues, please consider putting up some flashing graphics on screen to alert us when we should pay no attention to something, I inadvertently paid attention, when I shouldn't have, and am now sorely troubled.

Dear Oxford University, please could you get Professor Palmer to come in, I need something explaining to me. Tell him it's about the seashells on the seashore, I'm sure he'll get it.

Dear BBC, has the ambulance arrived yet? Any sign of life in Paxman's brain? Is Susan ok? What a dastardly man from Oxford that was, what a trick to play!

Dear BBC, regarding Jeremy's apparently vegetative state, try this (I'm not saying it will work, but I think it's worth a try) get a programmer (who's read the Harry file) to punch Jeremy in the side of the head, about the ears would be best, to test for any sign of cognitive life... Gently at first, but then the punches gradually more forceful, sharper, quicker...

Dear Queen of England, I think it's too late

Dear BBC, anything?

Dear Queen of England, I regret to inform you...

Has anyone let the Sun readers of England know yet? Hey, Sun readers of England... CLIMATE CHANGE, IT'S TOAST!

Is Moonbat wobbling? (Don't be silly! Is he?) - Delingpole playing a blinder, Booker good, Lawson good... the BBC finished, and the Independent, the Guardian, the Times, oh dear oh dear... Guido down, Dale down, Worstall down... Bishop Hill up, the Devil up... and the King of Cornwall, born.

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